To fight or not to fight

I recently had a run-in with a neighbor that reminded me of a few interpersonal relationship principles that I want to keep practicing in my life.

We have a long row of cedar trees in our front yard. They are beautiful...especially in the winter time when the branches hang low covered in snow. They can also be quite fragrant at certain times in the year. But the city approached us and said that they would have to cut them all back because they are getting into the power lines. There are a few pine trees that I would love for them to cut all the way down, but I didn't want the cedars cut. But when they "trimmed" them, they looked horrible. So I told them to go ahead and cut them all the way down.

Apparently our trees hold a lot of sentiment with the neighbors. My first contact was with someone who doesn't even live near us, but her mother does. She approached me in a very combative way. The only thing she wanted to do was advance her agenda--get me to adopt it. It was her way or the highway. She really didn't care about anything I had to say. I don't mean to sound mean toward her, but that's exactly how she approached the situation.

As a Christian neighbor, I didn't want to fight back. I don't want to do anything that could damage my witness or defame the name of Christ. I tried to tell her that it was out of my hands and that she needed to call the city. Through the course of the conversation I ended up telling her--in so many words--that it was none of her business. Her approach put me on the defensive right away. There was no way I was backing down.

Later, I told Vicki about the episode. I said, "You know, I really love those cedars and hate to see them go. And we want to be good neighbors." So I talked to the guys who were cutting down the trees and figured out a way to leave most of the cedars (although--thankfully--the pines had to go).

Later, another neighbor dropped by. My first thought was, "You have GOT to be kidding me." But Laura was incredibly sweet. She didn't want to argue, she just wanted to express her remorse. (Apparently I live in the middle of Al Gore's family!) We had a great conversation and actually built more of a bridge to one another.

There are a few differences between these two confrontations. Both had the same concern, but they were handled in entirely different ways. One came with her own set of presuppositions that there was going to be a fight. She talked to me (a pastor) of the tragedy of destroying God's creation. She was driving a car with a gasoline V8 engine, she lives in a huge house where dozens of trees were mercilessly killed so she could be comfortable. AND, she's not even a neighbor.

However, Laura, who really is a neighbor came with the attitude of wanting to build a bridge. She didn't want to fight. She just wanted to express her concern. She wasn't trying to change my mind in either direction. She just wanted me to reconsider cutting all of them down. It helped that we had already worked out another plan. Through it all, I think we strengthened our neighborhood bonds.

I thought about all of this later and reinforced a few lessons in my own life. If I am in disagreement with someone, how do I approach the situation? Am I going to decide on a fight even before it begins? I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul's words..."As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Some people just don't want to live in peace and I may not be able to do anything about that. But I can choose how I initiate and respond to people.